Saturday, August 6th, 2016

2 Weeks…

I am currently sitting in an airport in Houston, waiting for my final flight home. It has been a long journey in many ways, but I have learned some amazing things about myself.

Things I never thought I would do:

-          Travel to another country

-          Travel to another country alone

-          Figure out my way to an island on my own- taxi to water taxi

-          Climb Mayan Ruins

-          Climb over 100 feet on a building voluntarily

-          Snorkel in open water

-          Swim with sharks

-          Dance in front of a group of people that aren’t 3 years old

-          Room with a complete stranger for 2 weeks

-          Make it staying away from my husband for 2 weeks

-          Survive a hurricane

-          Manage without water and power for over 24 hours

Decisions I have made based on the past 2 weeks:

-          I will travel internationally again

-          I am a good teacher

-          Helping children from other cultures and backgrounds is in my heart

-          Refugee education is a good passion for me

-          I am culturally aware, but always willing to learn more and try more

-          I AM STRONG

I am so proud of myself for making it through this adventure. It was a challenge, to say the least. I am still not sure if this type of situation is right for me, but I am certainly happy I did it. I cannot believe I did this!

I have learned so much more about wealth and the many ways in which someone can be wealthy. My observations far surpassed what I imagined I would receive or see after reading Yosso’s article. The community and the passion for community which I saw in San Pedro is something I dream to see in my neighborhood, place of work and family. I am proud to have been part of their community, even if only for a short while.

I have also learned that taking a step back and evaluating your own lens is very important. As happy as I was to be part of the San Pedro community, I misplaced my feelings of lack of wealth on them by having a jaded point of view. A sadness I carried in my heart from another’s experience almost pushed me over the edge, but I checked myself and was able to value what I saw.

I am still processing everything in my mind and trying to figure out how I feel about everything. But what I do know is:

I am happy.

I am proud.

I am strong.

I am truly amazed at myself.

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2016

So, today was an interesting day. In true Belizean fashion, I had to figure out a way to "go with it." I did my professional development class today and I feel like it went fairly well. Of course, looking back I made mental notes of about 10,000 things I should have done differently. But, I am proud that I made it through it and everyone seemed to have a good time by the end. I am also proud that I was able to adapt and move forward.

Perhaps the most interesting part of the day was when I spoke with Ms. Delia. She is amazing. Delia is going to be going to the United States to get her Master’s Degree soon. I respect her for that because I know leaving home is not easy. But perhaps even more interesting and valuable is the passion she has behind her city and culture. Delia lives near New Horizons. Today, she took me to the gym at the Junior College- she pointed and told me how this one small space is all the community has for large events. Delia proceeded to tell me that sporting events are held here, weddings, graduations, community gatherings. This one area is a wealth of value for the community. The problem, as Delia put it, is that this is the only area. She seemed remorseful that the community has grown so much, businesses are popping up, and yet, there is no area for families to play. There are few parks, there are no community centers. These areas which could be so valuable for community wealth have been traded in for financial gain.

Delia and I continued to talk for a little while. We shared some similarities and differences, we shared some cultural information, we shared some life stories. Delia and I talked for about a half hour. And at one point of talking to me, she turned and said I have to pick 3 areas for my Master’s. She said she has Leadership and Administration, but she didn’t know what the third should be. Then she asked me- a total stranger. I smiled and said “advocacy.” I told her the passion she described about her town, what better way to make a difference than to advocate. If the local community doesn’t have a voice for it, then no one will care enough to make the changes she so wants to see. It was a wonderful afternoon and conversation.

Sunday, July 31st, 2016

Chapter 1: A Cultural Conundrum

            So, after quite a bit of stress and frustration; of pain and heartache, I believe I have discovered where my problems are and why I have been in such emotional pain and stress since I began this journey- my lens. In sociology and culture, the lens of the observer is what creates the largest effect on what is perceived to be observed. What do I mean? I mean that how you look at something will determine how you feel about it. To me, this has been a very personal journey. I look at these children and families and I see my husband and his family. In every child I pass on the street, I see the face of my husband as a child. While on the spiritual journey to Lamanai (yes, spiritual), we passed through a town which had only received power for the first time the week before. I was actually in tears on the bus- imagining how my husband must have grown up. As an observer, it is almost impossible to keep your own bias out of what you are observing. However, running checks on yourself can be very helpful. I cried in the shower last night- a cathartic, release of tension- when I realized that my personalization, the lens that I have been viewing this experience through may have been jaded. Perhaps it was not my failure as a person, but rather the observer’s lens which I have been using. It was a relief and a good moment of recognition.

Chapter 2: Relation

            What helped to further strengthen my realization was an article which a mentor of mine had sent to me a few months ago: “These families are just like yours — with one important difference.” ( http://ideas.ted.com/these-families-are-just-like-yours-with-one-important-difference/?utm_campaign=social ). With refugees, labels are assigned and it is hard for anyone to look past that label. The one-time mechanic becomes a refugee. Instead of this being something which has happened to the mechanic, the term refugee now becomes a definition to him. It is sad, but it happens all the time. Even being as attached to refugees as I am and understanding that there is so much more to a person than his or her status as a refugee, I have done a similar thing to these children and their families. I have looked at them in a way which makes me feel so sad for them- as if these children are missing out on a great life because they are not living in the States with us. I have placed a financial tie to the value of life these children have because of a personal lens and bias. However, checking my bias, I realized that these babies have a cultural wealth which many in the States do not have- they have community, a true community. I see these children unselfishly share with one another, I see the parents look after their children like they hold all the wealth in the world, I see grandparents working to care for grandchildren when parents have to be away to make money on the mainland. Yes, these circumstances can be sad and can be personal. However, they can also be a gift of strength and community for these children.

Chapter 3: Deep Breaths

            So after a week of struggling, I have discovered the foundation of a large portion of my problems. I believe experiences over the weekend have helped me to release some of that tension and take some deep breaths. Lamanai was truly spiritual to me. I have overcome some serious fears and trepidations on this trip and especially at Lamanai. The snorkel trip seemed to be the break I needed. I truly enjoyed myself all day- well, minus some salt water up my nose. It has helped to prepare me for the week ahead and hopefully has helped me to readjust my lens. I look forward to this week, with some trepidation (I am not that good at readjusting and letting go), but also with hope. Let’s see what this week holds…

Thursday, July 28th, 2016

So, the big question on everyone's mind... do I still feel like I did Tuesday? Truthful answer- yes and no. Yes, this is a lot for me. Aside from a recent cruise my dad took, no one in my family has ever been outside of the country. In a lot of ways, I am an outlier in my family and Belize is beginning to highlight that for me. To say this is an emotional journey for me would be the understatement of a lifetime. So what have I learned so far?

1. I have official reassurance that I am a good teacher, no matter what age. I have been able to walk into these classrooms with confidence, teach these babies and handle situations as they arise. I have also been able to walk away when I realize that my presence will not help a situation. I feel very good about my teaching skills and even some of my leadership skills- whether I like it or not...

2. I truly am comfortable in other cultures. I don't feel out of place or weird. I am happy to speak with locals. The hardest thing for me is seeing the financial disparity some of the families go through and not being able to really do anything about it.

Surprise Street Festival- Costa Maya Kickoff.

3. I am spoiled. I knew this already, but being in an area where water is something that is not easy to come by- I am further pushed to this realization.

Empty lot full of trash beside the school.

4. Seeing the way so many people live out here makes my heart hurt for my husband and so many others like him that grew up in such a hard way. When you see a child selling bracelets just to make a little money, you can't help but have your heart ache a little. Knowing someone personally who grew up in something like this, it hurts a little more.

5. I am stronger than I ever realized, even though I feel I am coming apart at the seams. I do not yet know why this experience hurts me so bad, why it puts me in tears, why I can't even seem to get through a post without crying- but something does seem to be pulling on me. It seems like this will push me some way, whether that be crazy or forward, I am being pushed. But I know I have to stay this out, I have to complete this because I would never forgive myself and I may never know what my push is for...

Tuesday, July 26th, 2016

Belize.... it's hard to say exactly what I am feeling about my experience thus far. There are mixed emotions on many accounts.
Part 1- "Co-Teachers"
            The differences that I have from so many of them makes it difficult to connect. At this point, I still want to go home every day. I am honestly not sure this was the right choice for me. I am in tears every day, talking to my family wanting to go home. I was just looking for an earlier flight home and I'm trying to decide if it is worth the fee to make the change. I think it will be.
            I am also having a hard time with continually being forced into the leadership role because no one else will step up. I have half-way thought about going home early just to make someone else put on big girl pants and do it. I have seen their looks and heard their mumbling when I give an idea or lay out a plan- but I don't see anyone else trying to do it! It is frustrating and it is hurtful! I listen, I incorporate ideas, I make schedules. And yet, when things go well- no appreciation or acknowledgement of what I did well. It gets old. I have been here, I have experience, why don't you step up and try something?!
Part 2-  "The Culture"
           I can honestly say I do not feel uncomfortable with the culture. I notice my idiosyncrasies with the locals. I have a hard time waiting around for food. I don't know if I could ever get use to a meal taking an hour to be prepared. Then again, if I wasn't in a hurry, would it really matter?
           I believe one of the hardest things for me to accept here is the education. I know that these teachers are doing amazing things with what they have. But, it really hurts me to see these babies so far behind where they should be. It hurts my soul. I try to find ways to encourage them to stick with school and push further. But, I cut myself short today- I don't want to insult their parents or their cultures. I just want the best for them! It can be hard to find a balance.
Part 3- "The Experience"
          I don't know. I like finding new things. I like trying new foods and having new experiences. I honestly think we are doing too much some days. It is a lot to come down here and then be busy all day and night... it is hard. I did not feel ready for this. Perhaps it is me. I hate to be so negative. It is not me to be so negative. But, I spend all day plastering a smile on my face. I am looking for flights out... we shall see. Sometimes I feel like I have enough going on in my personal life and that this may have just been the worst of the worst timing. Sometimes I feel like this was just not meant for me. Perhaps I need to put my big girl panties on? Let's see what the rest of this week holds...